changes

A couple of months ago I found myself unexpectedly laid off. This was undoubtably one of the best things that has happened for my physical and mental health, and my marriage. My Beloved Hubby has some serious health problems which severely limit the activities he is able to preform around the house, and cause him to often need my help with his daily routine. I do the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, lawn care, grocery shopping, ironing, and routinely drive my Hubby to various doctors appointments. Please understand, before I go any further, I really love the man more than I can say.

When I am working, and doing all the above mentioned activities, and caring for my husband, something really awful happens. I stress. I am overwhelmed. I turn into a control freak, because if anything does not go exactly as planned, I am frantically trying to play catch up for days. I have no time for myself. Everything in my life suffers, including my Husband and my marriage. I am not able to relax enough to enjoy sex because I have no time to relax. When I fall into bed after literally having 18 hours of continuous, non stop activity, the last thing I want to do is be intimate. And I absolutely, positively, cannot stand having anyone try to tell me what to do during this whole mess, because I am so busy trying to keep all the plates juggling in the air. My submission, sweetness, and softness fly out the window. Its awful.

I knew that I would eventually have to find a new job, and the staying at home, keeping my house, cooking, and curling up watching TV with Hubby was not going to last. It seems that my returning to the working world is rapidly approaching. I am just terrified. I really do not have any idea how I am going to manage it. I received a call about a job that seems promising. I have had chest pain since then. My Husband has been so kind and sensitive about my feelings. If there was any possible way I could continue to be a stay at home wifey, we would both jump on it. However, it appears, at least for now, there is not...

Oh, Damn

I was hoping to come back to this lovely little spot on the world wide web in a few days or so. However, at present I am trapped on the sofa with back spasms and the only thing I can reach is my computer. So, I decided to blog about chocolate, and its completely horrible effect on my behind.

At one point I had talked about being a size 16 curvy lady. That was over a year ago. I am now a much larger size, and it is no longer something I feel comfortable with. I had some nasty health problems that resulted in some not so little weight gain. Now, I am borderline diabetic, and infertile, as a result of the weight gain and health problems.

Logically, I would try to control my diet and exercise. I should be fighting for all I am worth to conquer this weight demon and avoid insulin and needles. Now thats the logical approach.

It seems there are few things that are logical when it comes to women, hormones, and chocolate. Particularly milk chocolate.

I keep buying it, thinking I will put it aside as a treat to have later. And of course, when I do indulge, it will be moderation. At least, this is the plan.

What really happens is I rip open a piece of chocolate, and by the end of the day have consumed half a bag. (ok, the WHOLE bag.) Blood sugar shoots through the roof, energy levels sink to a new low, and all I can say is, "but I felt so great while I was eating it."

Last night my Dear Husband told me, again, this has to stop. I was feeling less than sweet and submissive last night, so my reply was "yeah, yeah, whatever. What are you going to do, spank me?!" In case you can't tell, the health problems have not affected my mouths ability to get me into trouble.

"Yes, actually, I am."

Can someone please tell me why I give him ideas? I found myself facing the wall, with my hands resting above my head, and my butt being pounded. Did the message sink in? We will find out when I go grocery shopping this week.

So apparently, I am a really lousy blogger....

Ahm. Hello. Why yes, I am aware it has been over a year since I posted something. Yes, I am dreadfully sorry about this. Funny, how did you know that my lack of active blogging correlates to my lack of progress in submission? Really, you thought it would be easier for me by now?

You get the idea. I am sitting here typing, and I should be in bed. Things are dramatically different than they were 12 months ago. For one thing, I found myself unexpectedly unemployed. I am now a stay at home wife. My goals in life have changed dramatically.

BDH (Beloved Dom Husband) is still as loving as ever, if not more so. Things have just, well changed.

There has not been a true discipline spanking in probably six months or more. Not that I haven't deserved one, but more that BDH has found other ways of making me uncomfortable. His solution was simple, he ignores me. I can't stand that. I am sure, if occasion should truly warrant it, he will push me on my stomach and redden my behind.

I am still defiant. Sometimes he tells me to do something, and I honestly know my facial expression just says "Go f*** yourself." Yet, I don't like it when he is unhappy with me, and I feel genuine regret. I just can't seem to get the rebellious strong willed part of me out. I think it might be something that hangs with me through my entire life. I am beginning to think that perhaps this is really nothing more than a lack of willpower, and maybe some emotional issues that have been running stealth for a couple of years.

This will, hopefully be the beginning of weekly blogging for me. I am now going to go join BDH in bed. I can hear him snoring 2 rooms away. :-)

Napping with Handcuffs

Recently, I have been craving “firmness” from BDH. I know I will sound like a brat, but I have been acting like a well, brat, to get his hand to connect to my backside. Hubby realizes what is going on, and the Man understands me much better than I understand myself. He gives half a smile before he yanks me over his lap to have my bottom warmed. Even after several hard swaps I am still craving more. I am shaking and yearning. He pulls away from me, and I am too shy to tell him I want more. Its not that I want to be manhandled, its that I want him to SHOW me he can manhandle me. I already KNOW he can, but I will be darned if I want the arms that I know are strong enough to hold me down TO hold me down. I want him to dominant and control me. I am at the level of trust with him I have no fear of losing control to him. I feel a burning, throbbing desire inside to just, err… I don’t know!!!

Another change is that sex feels intense, but not intense enough. I feel like I want his hands and lips all over me. I crave his touch. I have spent a week with this desire to have my bottom spanked and be so thoroughly tumbled in bed I am too tired to move. It has been driving me insane.

Even though I enjoy a firm spanking, I still fight it on basic principal. Sometimes my arms and legs flail around because it hurts, while it feels good. Hubby will tell me to stop moving, or I am going to get more. This tends to increase my struggles. ☺

BDH has recognized the shift in me. That is probably why he felt it was time to stop some of my struggling. So, he introduced handcuffs this weekend. Six months ago if BDH had brought handcuffs in and threatened to use them on me, I think I would have stopped running when I hit the East Coast, and I live in Texas. I found myself naked, laying on my tummy and handcuffed to the bed. That is when I met the next surprise BDH had for me. My behind got spanked with a leather paddle. He alternated between spanking me and touching that most sensitive place on my body. I laid there, under his knowing hands, and completely lost it. The wonderful Man who married me, knew what I had been wanting. He had been wisely waiting to make sure I was ready for it. And, oh was I ready. My body felt twisted in ways I cannot even begin to describe. The pleasure was unimaginable. The spanking was harder and longer than I have experienced before, and his hands on me felt like heaven. Finally, I lay exhausted and completely satisfied, but BDH wasn’t done with me. The last three smacks on my sore bottom almost had me in tears. He held me in his arms while I gasped for breath. I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep. And I did sleep, while still handcuffed. That seemed to bring such a feeling of security. Yes, being handcuffed made me feel secure. This is a totally new revelation, and I am still trying to wrap my brain around this concept.

I have never felt the way I felt then. I had no control over anything and it was the most freeing experience. When BDH woke me up, almost an hour later, I had no desire to test, prod or push for anything. I happily did what he asked.

I hope, with all my heart, I get to experience that again. It is exactly what I have been looking for

Flowerbeds

Just so y'all know... those flowerbeds never did get weeded.

So I'm a little freak

Lately, I have been really wanting to physically challenge BDH and be completely overcome. I want to be held down and spanked till my bottom looks redder than a cherry. I want to yell and fight back so he spanks me harder. I want to know who is boss. (Not to mention spanking majorly turns me on.)

The problem with all this is that I feel like a weirdo. I mean, what sort of modern, competent, woman wants to be overcome by a man? I feel like there must be something wrong with my brain. I have been struggling with this for awhile. I am mad at myself for what I desire. It is getting easier to accept this aspect of myself, but I still fervently wish it wasn't there. I don't want to be a little freak! Ack!

Last night I was able to say something to BDH for the first time. "I want to be spanked. Hard. I want it rough." He complied, and I felt great. I laid in his arms afterwards, completely satisfied. Added bonus, he likes it this way too. He loves me so much, he had waited to show me this crazy rough stuff till I asked for it. And that turns me on too. How wonderful is it to be with someone who patiently waits for you to be ready? Almost four years of marriage, and he is still letting me find my way, with gentle pushes in the right direction from him. I can say with full certainty, that man knows me better than I know myself. Now I find writing about last night and how he has patiently held me along this path is causing me to get turned on. Right now. Sitting here. I am turned on. Erg. What do I do about this?

Nice girls don't have sexual desires! Yes, it is the 21st century, yes, I was born sometime in the 1980s, but my Mother, lord love her, made sure I was as 19th century as I could get when it came to sex. Sexual repression, anyone?

I really need to go do some household chores this morning. My flowerbed in the front needs weeding. But sitting here, with my bowl of cereal and my laptop, all I can think about is jumping on BDH and seeing if he is up for round two.

No! I am not supposed to want sex. But I do want it. I am not supposed to tackle my Husband and eagerly wriggle till he throws me underneath him. Yet this is what I want to do.

I let my mind drift while I was sitting here battling between having sex and weeding the flowerbed. (Yes, the flowerbed is still a contender, but losing quickly.) A realization hit me. It is not sex that I desire as much as him. If a good looking, strong man walked through the door and offered to tumble me on this oh so very soft couch I am sitting on, I would say no. I don't want just anyone, I want HIM. I love HIM. He is IT. There is no one else. I am genuinely, completely, and totally in love with my Husband and want HIM to pull me underneath him and screw my brains out. Yeesh! Where did that come from? Now I am starting to sound like a hormone filled teenager!

I will compose myself. I will compose myself. I will go weed the flowerbed. I will go weed the flowerbed. I will go jump on ... NO NO NO. Flowerbed. Maintain some semblance of control.

Or, I could just embrace my inner freak. I could just run to his home office, naked, and sit on his lap. That would be much easier than continuing to fight myself.

Inner freak embraced. For now.

Change....

I realized things had changed for me when I did not want to make a decision and simply did not make it. I let BDH make it. That would have never happened six months ago.