Help

I have died and gone to hell. Ok, not really. I am still alive and sitting in my dining room with a bowl of cereal looking mushily up at me and three days worth of dishes in the sink. Wait... I guess this is my own personal hell.

This whole D/s (God forbid I forget the put the D in caps) is having an off couple of days. Ok... maybe an off week. Ok... we have only been doing this four weeks and many of the days in those weeks have been off...

Is it possible that some of us are not submissive and cannot be made to be so? Is it lack of will power? Can I do this? At the moment, I think not. I am sore sitting here. "Why?" you might wonder. Considering the nature of this blog, you should not have to wonder long. I broke two rules, two big rules, then got an attitude with BDH about it. BDH lost his cool with me. This used to be a regular thing prior to TTWD (yeah... I finally figured out what that meant.) Now, because he has to be in control, he does not lose it much anymore. Tonight was an exception. Long story short, I got not one, but four spankings tonight.

While four spankings in one night might seem like heaven to some women, for me, not so much. The worst apart about it, I did not care. Oh, I mean I cared my butt was taking the heat for my mouth, but I mean I felt more angry than anything else. I had no glorious, "oh, he is so in control and I am safe" release. No emotional closeness, nothing.

Well, there was something. That something was me inwardly retreating as far as I could get, and putting up a wall between myself and BDH. I have NEVER done that with him before. I never could before. One of the reasons I married him was because unlike other members of the male species (at the moment I am convinced we can't possibly be the same species, this is not a typo) he SAW me. I mean saw who I was, and not what I portrayed myself to be. Prior relationships had gone along on the happy go lucky feelings, then died out and dragged themselves on while I secretly pulled myself away and broke it off with the man left wondering what the heck had happened. When I am retreating, hiding, pulling away, building a wall, or whatever else you want to call it, it is not really that obvious.

While this was not a large issue for me previously, with BDH the situation is different. For starters there is that H part. He is my husband. There is no leaving or walking away. I do not want to pull away. I want an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection with him.

Right now I feel absolutely exhausted. I am so rebellious. I am so strong willed. I am so determined. I find it so hard to submit. I find it hard to do the most simple things he asks of me. I love him, I want to make this whole submission bit work, I just feel like I can't.

Maybe I am just tired. I don't know.

So here is my plea for help. Is there anyone out there who can relate? Has anyone been there? Any words of wisdom or advice?

One more thing, I am not so sure spanking will be a deterrent for me. I don't even really know how to explain what I am trying to say. I care it hurts, but I don't care. I care he is mad, but I don't care. I care I am failing, but I have no desire to submit. Does this make any sense????

tkc

So, I am a size 16 curvy lady. When BDH married me I was a size 12. He does not find me any less attractive because my assets have grown a little plumper. He seems to almost like the fact there is more of me to love. I am beginning to feel comfortable with myself at this size. I am wearing a D cup bra, and have a curvy tummy, waist, and hips. I am stunning in his eyes, and because of his praise and desire for me, I feel beautiful.

It does not matter what size a woman is. Big, little, tall, short, skinny, plump, BBW, or anything else. What matters is what is in her heart and how she feels about herself. For me, the one who holds my life in his hands has given me the confidence to feel like a Goddess. When I stand before him, I know he wants me. Sometimes he runs a hand along my back and the feel of my skin is pleasing to him. I am loved, treasured, and adored.

I am a woman. I have thighs. I have arms that are soft and plump. My breasts are full, and my behind is round. I am alright with what I look like and who I am.

Now, the purpose of talking about my pleasantly plump self. ABC and Fox networks did not want to run an ad for Lane Bryant which featured a plus size model. The cited it showed too much cleavage. However, the have an ad for Victoria's Secret that looks like something one would see at a Strip club. I guess breasts are okay, as long as the rib cage is visible.

tkc

p.s. to see the "too much cleavage" ad, use the following link.

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978195768

Fairness

My Beloved Dom Husband (BDH) is normally incredibly gentle with me. He hates to see me upset, and thinks very seriously before disciplining me. Sometimes he says he will spank me for something, and later realizes the my actions or words were not intended as perceived. Luckily for me, he normally understands what is going on before my tender behind is reddened.

Today I said something he did not want me to say, and BDH calmly told me I would be spanked. He later realized I was trying to express to him how I felt, and not disregarding his request. That does not mean I was out of trouble. He is, if nothing else, a man of his word. If he says I am getting spanked, I am getting spanked. Period, end of discussion.

When the time came to receive my spanking, I felt my heart sink. He very gently patted by behind three times and told me we were done. He said he would do it, so he did it. He just didn't hurt me when he did. BDH is fair and almost always understanding. Thank God for that.

Sometimes spanking does something to me emotionally that allows me to "release." I am one of those people who will, above all else, hold things together. I can take a deep breathe, and get myself back in the game. One of the not so great aspects of this is that crying is practically impossible for me.

When I am in complete physical submission to BDH, I feel like I have permission to be weak. I can lay in bed and truly feel what is going on inside of me. I can lay in his arms, saying nothing, feeling overwhelmed and know it is still okay because there is someone who is more badass than myself taking care of it.

If you happen to read this, I love you BDH.

tkc

In the beginning....

In the beginning there was me with my plan. My plan was complete, and I tolerated no deviations from it. I was "on my way" up the corporate ladder, achieving my dreams one at a time, and did not need anyone to tell me how to live my life. My plan had a list with things to check off. One of the things that the plan listed was getting married. I envisioned a life of partnership with someone, where we would both support each other in achieving our goals, and function independently while working together to better our lives.

Then, I got married, and I hit a roadblock. Working together involves compromise, and my plan did not allow for compromise. So I became a domineering wife, who laid out the plan, and my poor husband found himself dragged along with it. Things did not go so well.

My Beloved Dom Hubby (BDH) is an exceptionally smart person. He tried for three years to put up with my bullshit and denied the part of himself that was meant to be the dominant head of our house. I guess he had enough, and through a course of events, I found myself entering into a D/s relationship. This is should be great for us as a couple, except for one thing, I am the lower case "s" in the relationship.

I had no idea how a D/s relationship worked, but I knew my marriage needed something desperately, so I made a promise to him I had avoided even in our wedding vows. After some researching and coaching from BDH, I promised to obey him, and asked him to accept my obedience. He did quite happily.

If being a good submissive wife means you can write out the definition of what one is, then I can't even spell submissive. I'm trying, and I succeed sometimes and fail others. BDH has done this before, and he knows what he is doing. He also loves me enough to put up with me when I try to wrap my mind around what obedience means exactly. He also reminds me what happens when I am not. Suffice to say, I find my fiercely independent behind now lovingly and fiercely spanked, as I am taught how to be a submissive wife. It is indeed an adventure with many misadventures for my Beloved Dom Hubby and myself.

tkc