Help

I have died and gone to hell. Ok, not really. I am still alive and sitting in my dining room with a bowl of cereal looking mushily up at me and three days worth of dishes in the sink. Wait... I guess this is my own personal hell.

This whole D/s (God forbid I forget the put the D in caps) is having an off couple of days. Ok... maybe an off week. Ok... we have only been doing this four weeks and many of the days in those weeks have been off...

Is it possible that some of us are not submissive and cannot be made to be so? Is it lack of will power? Can I do this? At the moment, I think not. I am sore sitting here. "Why?" you might wonder. Considering the nature of this blog, you should not have to wonder long. I broke two rules, two big rules, then got an attitude with BDH about it. BDH lost his cool with me. This used to be a regular thing prior to TTWD (yeah... I finally figured out what that meant.) Now, because he has to be in control, he does not lose it much anymore. Tonight was an exception. Long story short, I got not one, but four spankings tonight.

While four spankings in one night might seem like heaven to some women, for me, not so much. The worst apart about it, I did not care. Oh, I mean I cared my butt was taking the heat for my mouth, but I mean I felt more angry than anything else. I had no glorious, "oh, he is so in control and I am safe" release. No emotional closeness, nothing.

Well, there was something. That something was me inwardly retreating as far as I could get, and putting up a wall between myself and BDH. I have NEVER done that with him before. I never could before. One of the reasons I married him was because unlike other members of the male species (at the moment I am convinced we can't possibly be the same species, this is not a typo) he SAW me. I mean saw who I was, and not what I portrayed myself to be. Prior relationships had gone along on the happy go lucky feelings, then died out and dragged themselves on while I secretly pulled myself away and broke it off with the man left wondering what the heck had happened. When I am retreating, hiding, pulling away, building a wall, or whatever else you want to call it, it is not really that obvious.

While this was not a large issue for me previously, with BDH the situation is different. For starters there is that H part. He is my husband. There is no leaving or walking away. I do not want to pull away. I want an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection with him.

Right now I feel absolutely exhausted. I am so rebellious. I am so strong willed. I am so determined. I find it so hard to submit. I find it hard to do the most simple things he asks of me. I love him, I want to make this whole submission bit work, I just feel like I can't.

Maybe I am just tired. I don't know.

So here is my plea for help. Is there anyone out there who can relate? Has anyone been there? Any words of wisdom or advice?

One more thing, I am not so sure spanking will be a deterrent for me. I don't even really know how to explain what I am trying to say. I care it hurts, but I don't care. I care he is mad, but I don't care. I care I am failing, but I have no desire to submit. Does this make any sense????

tkc