changes

A couple of months ago I found myself unexpectedly laid off. This was undoubtably one of the best things that has happened for my physical and mental health, and my marriage. My Beloved Hubby has some serious health problems which severely limit the activities he is able to preform around the house, and cause him to often need my help with his daily routine. I do the laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, lawn care, grocery shopping, ironing, and routinely drive my Hubby to various doctors appointments. Please understand, before I go any further, I really love the man more than I can say.

When I am working, and doing all the above mentioned activities, and caring for my husband, something really awful happens. I stress. I am overwhelmed. I turn into a control freak, because if anything does not go exactly as planned, I am frantically trying to play catch up for days. I have no time for myself. Everything in my life suffers, including my Husband and my marriage. I am not able to relax enough to enjoy sex because I have no time to relax. When I fall into bed after literally having 18 hours of continuous, non stop activity, the last thing I want to do is be intimate. And I absolutely, positively, cannot stand having anyone try to tell me what to do during this whole mess, because I am so busy trying to keep all the plates juggling in the air. My submission, sweetness, and softness fly out the window. Its awful.

I knew that I would eventually have to find a new job, and the staying at home, keeping my house, cooking, and curling up watching TV with Hubby was not going to last. It seems that my returning to the working world is rapidly approaching. I am just terrified. I really do not have any idea how I am going to manage it. I received a call about a job that seems promising. I have had chest pain since then. My Husband has been so kind and sensitive about my feelings. If there was any possible way I could continue to be a stay at home wifey, we would both jump on it. However, it appears, at least for now, there is not...

Oh, Damn

I was hoping to come back to this lovely little spot on the world wide web in a few days or so. However, at present I am trapped on the sofa with back spasms and the only thing I can reach is my computer. So, I decided to blog about chocolate, and its completely horrible effect on my behind.

At one point I had talked about being a size 16 curvy lady. That was over a year ago. I am now a much larger size, and it is no longer something I feel comfortable with. I had some nasty health problems that resulted in some not so little weight gain. Now, I am borderline diabetic, and infertile, as a result of the weight gain and health problems.

Logically, I would try to control my diet and exercise. I should be fighting for all I am worth to conquer this weight demon and avoid insulin and needles. Now thats the logical approach.

It seems there are few things that are logical when it comes to women, hormones, and chocolate. Particularly milk chocolate.

I keep buying it, thinking I will put it aside as a treat to have later. And of course, when I do indulge, it will be moderation. At least, this is the plan.

What really happens is I rip open a piece of chocolate, and by the end of the day have consumed half a bag. (ok, the WHOLE bag.) Blood sugar shoots through the roof, energy levels sink to a new low, and all I can say is, "but I felt so great while I was eating it."

Last night my Dear Husband told me, again, this has to stop. I was feeling less than sweet and submissive last night, so my reply was "yeah, yeah, whatever. What are you going to do, spank me?!" In case you can't tell, the health problems have not affected my mouths ability to get me into trouble.

"Yes, actually, I am."

Can someone please tell me why I give him ideas? I found myself facing the wall, with my hands resting above my head, and my butt being pounded. Did the message sink in? We will find out when I go grocery shopping this week.

So apparently, I am a really lousy blogger....

Ahm. Hello. Why yes, I am aware it has been over a year since I posted something. Yes, I am dreadfully sorry about this. Funny, how did you know that my lack of active blogging correlates to my lack of progress in submission? Really, you thought it would be easier for me by now?

You get the idea. I am sitting here typing, and I should be in bed. Things are dramatically different than they were 12 months ago. For one thing, I found myself unexpectedly unemployed. I am now a stay at home wife. My goals in life have changed dramatically.

BDH (Beloved Dom Husband) is still as loving as ever, if not more so. Things have just, well changed.

There has not been a true discipline spanking in probably six months or more. Not that I haven't deserved one, but more that BDH has found other ways of making me uncomfortable. His solution was simple, he ignores me. I can't stand that. I am sure, if occasion should truly warrant it, he will push me on my stomach and redden my behind.

I am still defiant. Sometimes he tells me to do something, and I honestly know my facial expression just says "Go f*** yourself." Yet, I don't like it when he is unhappy with me, and I feel genuine regret. I just can't seem to get the rebellious strong willed part of me out. I think it might be something that hangs with me through my entire life. I am beginning to think that perhaps this is really nothing more than a lack of willpower, and maybe some emotional issues that have been running stealth for a couple of years.

This will, hopefully be the beginning of weekly blogging for me. I am now going to go join BDH in bed. I can hear him snoring 2 rooms away. :-)