Napping with Handcuffs

Recently, I have been craving “firmness” from BDH. I know I will sound like a brat, but I have been acting like a well, brat, to get his hand to connect to my backside. Hubby realizes what is going on, and the Man understands me much better than I understand myself. He gives half a smile before he yanks me over his lap to have my bottom warmed. Even after several hard swaps I am still craving more. I am shaking and yearning. He pulls away from me, and I am too shy to tell him I want more. Its not that I want to be manhandled, its that I want him to SHOW me he can manhandle me. I already KNOW he can, but I will be darned if I want the arms that I know are strong enough to hold me down TO hold me down. I want him to dominant and control me. I am at the level of trust with him I have no fear of losing control to him. I feel a burning, throbbing desire inside to just, err… I don’t know!!!

Another change is that sex feels intense, but not intense enough. I feel like I want his hands and lips all over me. I crave his touch. I have spent a week with this desire to have my bottom spanked and be so thoroughly tumbled in bed I am too tired to move. It has been driving me insane.

Even though I enjoy a firm spanking, I still fight it on basic principal. Sometimes my arms and legs flail around because it hurts, while it feels good. Hubby will tell me to stop moving, or I am going to get more. This tends to increase my struggles. ☺

BDH has recognized the shift in me. That is probably why he felt it was time to stop some of my struggling. So, he introduced handcuffs this weekend. Six months ago if BDH had brought handcuffs in and threatened to use them on me, I think I would have stopped running when I hit the East Coast, and I live in Texas. I found myself naked, laying on my tummy and handcuffed to the bed. That is when I met the next surprise BDH had for me. My behind got spanked with a leather paddle. He alternated between spanking me and touching that most sensitive place on my body. I laid there, under his knowing hands, and completely lost it. The wonderful Man who married me, knew what I had been wanting. He had been wisely waiting to make sure I was ready for it. And, oh was I ready. My body felt twisted in ways I cannot even begin to describe. The pleasure was unimaginable. The spanking was harder and longer than I have experienced before, and his hands on me felt like heaven. Finally, I lay exhausted and completely satisfied, but BDH wasn’t done with me. The last three smacks on my sore bottom almost had me in tears. He held me in his arms while I gasped for breath. I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was sleep. And I did sleep, while still handcuffed. That seemed to bring such a feeling of security. Yes, being handcuffed made me feel secure. This is a totally new revelation, and I am still trying to wrap my brain around this concept.

I have never felt the way I felt then. I had no control over anything and it was the most freeing experience. When BDH woke me up, almost an hour later, I had no desire to test, prod or push for anything. I happily did what he asked.

I hope, with all my heart, I get to experience that again. It is exactly what I have been looking for

Flowerbeds

Just so y'all know... those flowerbeds never did get weeded.

So I'm a little freak

Lately, I have been really wanting to physically challenge BDH and be completely overcome. I want to be held down and spanked till my bottom looks redder than a cherry. I want to yell and fight back so he spanks me harder. I want to know who is boss. (Not to mention spanking majorly turns me on.)

The problem with all this is that I feel like a weirdo. I mean, what sort of modern, competent, woman wants to be overcome by a man? I feel like there must be something wrong with my brain. I have been struggling with this for awhile. I am mad at myself for what I desire. It is getting easier to accept this aspect of myself, but I still fervently wish it wasn't there. I don't want to be a little freak! Ack!

Last night I was able to say something to BDH for the first time. "I want to be spanked. Hard. I want it rough." He complied, and I felt great. I laid in his arms afterwards, completely satisfied. Added bonus, he likes it this way too. He loves me so much, he had waited to show me this crazy rough stuff till I asked for it. And that turns me on too. How wonderful is it to be with someone who patiently waits for you to be ready? Almost four years of marriage, and he is still letting me find my way, with gentle pushes in the right direction from him. I can say with full certainty, that man knows me better than I know myself. Now I find writing about last night and how he has patiently held me along this path is causing me to get turned on. Right now. Sitting here. I am turned on. Erg. What do I do about this?

Nice girls don't have sexual desires! Yes, it is the 21st century, yes, I was born sometime in the 1980s, but my Mother, lord love her, made sure I was as 19th century as I could get when it came to sex. Sexual repression, anyone?

I really need to go do some household chores this morning. My flowerbed in the front needs weeding. But sitting here, with my bowl of cereal and my laptop, all I can think about is jumping on BDH and seeing if he is up for round two.

No! I am not supposed to want sex. But I do want it. I am not supposed to tackle my Husband and eagerly wriggle till he throws me underneath him. Yet this is what I want to do.

I let my mind drift while I was sitting here battling between having sex and weeding the flowerbed. (Yes, the flowerbed is still a contender, but losing quickly.) A realization hit me. It is not sex that I desire as much as him. If a good looking, strong man walked through the door and offered to tumble me on this oh so very soft couch I am sitting on, I would say no. I don't want just anyone, I want HIM. I love HIM. He is IT. There is no one else. I am genuinely, completely, and totally in love with my Husband and want HIM to pull me underneath him and screw my brains out. Yeesh! Where did that come from? Now I am starting to sound like a hormone filled teenager!

I will compose myself. I will compose myself. I will go weed the flowerbed. I will go weed the flowerbed. I will go jump on ... NO NO NO. Flowerbed. Maintain some semblance of control.

Or, I could just embrace my inner freak. I could just run to his home office, naked, and sit on his lap. That would be much easier than continuing to fight myself.

Inner freak embraced. For now.

Change....

I realized things had changed for me when I did not want to make a decision and simply did not make it. I let BDH make it. That would have never happened six months ago.

I suck at this

I suck at this. I mean, really stink at being submissive. Just wanted to throw that out there.

I also want to say that things are coming into focus for me that I had never realized before. It is an amazingly scary journey.

It has been a few weeks since I posted. I have been busy. "Busy" can be used to describe so many different types of situations and happenings. So, I will simply say "busy."

So, I am wondering along the path of not so submissiveness, trying to figure myself and my BDH out. While wondering, I tripped over a log that was a moment of realization. I was actually having submissive tendencies at a very young age. I can remember as young as eight years old that I was showing signs of it. It just took me about twenty years to understand what it was. My reaction to this metaphorical log was fear. How can I be submissive?? I am a strong independent woman! No!!! This isn't me!!! This is not something that I naturally learn towards! I went through several days of confused denial.

And yet another log in my path...

I have an ankle bracelet with bells on it. I have had it for years. I bought it in my very early teens because I thought it was beautiful and sexy. I ran across it in my jewelry box a few days ago. I just stood there and stared at it, because now I know what it means to wear it. Before, I just felt a strong pull towards it. I took it to BDH, who was not even surprised I had it Apparently, BDH understood things about me a long time before I did.

Relief

I found some answers. I got access to the submissive wife project and feel much better. In my last post I was upset and venting. Ironically enough, it turns out some my not so submissive tendencies are actually characteristics of a submissive. DBH calls me a subbie. I am a brat. What can I say?

Realization hits, I like spankings. No, not the discipline kind. The kinky in bed kind. But I need the discipline kind. I need to know there is a constant in my life that is BDH.

We are entering into a period when he will he be more firm with me. I have no idea what this will be like. I can't say I think it is a bad idea. I just wish I had more of an idea of what was going to happen next.

erg, going to bed

Help

I have died and gone to hell. Ok, not really. I am still alive and sitting in my dining room with a bowl of cereal looking mushily up at me and three days worth of dishes in the sink. Wait... I guess this is my own personal hell.

This whole D/s (God forbid I forget the put the D in caps) is having an off couple of days. Ok... maybe an off week. Ok... we have only been doing this four weeks and many of the days in those weeks have been off...

Is it possible that some of us are not submissive and cannot be made to be so? Is it lack of will power? Can I do this? At the moment, I think not. I am sore sitting here. "Why?" you might wonder. Considering the nature of this blog, you should not have to wonder long. I broke two rules, two big rules, then got an attitude with BDH about it. BDH lost his cool with me. This used to be a regular thing prior to TTWD (yeah... I finally figured out what that meant.) Now, because he has to be in control, he does not lose it much anymore. Tonight was an exception. Long story short, I got not one, but four spankings tonight.

While four spankings in one night might seem like heaven to some women, for me, not so much. The worst apart about it, I did not care. Oh, I mean I cared my butt was taking the heat for my mouth, but I mean I felt more angry than anything else. I had no glorious, "oh, he is so in control and I am safe" release. No emotional closeness, nothing.

Well, there was something. That something was me inwardly retreating as far as I could get, and putting up a wall between myself and BDH. I have NEVER done that with him before. I never could before. One of the reasons I married him was because unlike other members of the male species (at the moment I am convinced we can't possibly be the same species, this is not a typo) he SAW me. I mean saw who I was, and not what I portrayed myself to be. Prior relationships had gone along on the happy go lucky feelings, then died out and dragged themselves on while I secretly pulled myself away and broke it off with the man left wondering what the heck had happened. When I am retreating, hiding, pulling away, building a wall, or whatever else you want to call it, it is not really that obvious.

While this was not a large issue for me previously, with BDH the situation is different. For starters there is that H part. He is my husband. There is no leaving or walking away. I do not want to pull away. I want an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection with him.

Right now I feel absolutely exhausted. I am so rebellious. I am so strong willed. I am so determined. I find it so hard to submit. I find it hard to do the most simple things he asks of me. I love him, I want to make this whole submission bit work, I just feel like I can't.

Maybe I am just tired. I don't know.

So here is my plea for help. Is there anyone out there who can relate? Has anyone been there? Any words of wisdom or advice?

One more thing, I am not so sure spanking will be a deterrent for me. I don't even really know how to explain what I am trying to say. I care it hurts, but I don't care. I care he is mad, but I don't care. I care I am failing, but I have no desire to submit. Does this make any sense????

tkc

So, I am a size 16 curvy lady. When BDH married me I was a size 12. He does not find me any less attractive because my assets have grown a little plumper. He seems to almost like the fact there is more of me to love. I am beginning to feel comfortable with myself at this size. I am wearing a D cup bra, and have a curvy tummy, waist, and hips. I am stunning in his eyes, and because of his praise and desire for me, I feel beautiful.

It does not matter what size a woman is. Big, little, tall, short, skinny, plump, BBW, or anything else. What matters is what is in her heart and how she feels about herself. For me, the one who holds my life in his hands has given me the confidence to feel like a Goddess. When I stand before him, I know he wants me. Sometimes he runs a hand along my back and the feel of my skin is pleasing to him. I am loved, treasured, and adored.

I am a woman. I have thighs. I have arms that are soft and plump. My breasts are full, and my behind is round. I am alright with what I look like and who I am.

Now, the purpose of talking about my pleasantly plump self. ABC and Fox networks did not want to run an ad for Lane Bryant which featured a plus size model. The cited it showed too much cleavage. However, the have an ad for Victoria's Secret that looks like something one would see at a Strip club. I guess breasts are okay, as long as the rib cage is visible.

tkc

p.s. to see the "too much cleavage" ad, use the following link.

http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978195768

Fairness

My Beloved Dom Husband (BDH) is normally incredibly gentle with me. He hates to see me upset, and thinks very seriously before disciplining me. Sometimes he says he will spank me for something, and later realizes the my actions or words were not intended as perceived. Luckily for me, he normally understands what is going on before my tender behind is reddened.

Today I said something he did not want me to say, and BDH calmly told me I would be spanked. He later realized I was trying to express to him how I felt, and not disregarding his request. That does not mean I was out of trouble. He is, if nothing else, a man of his word. If he says I am getting spanked, I am getting spanked. Period, end of discussion.

When the time came to receive my spanking, I felt my heart sink. He very gently patted by behind three times and told me we were done. He said he would do it, so he did it. He just didn't hurt me when he did. BDH is fair and almost always understanding. Thank God for that.

Sometimes spanking does something to me emotionally that allows me to "release." I am one of those people who will, above all else, hold things together. I can take a deep breathe, and get myself back in the game. One of the not so great aspects of this is that crying is practically impossible for me.

When I am in complete physical submission to BDH, I feel like I have permission to be weak. I can lay in bed and truly feel what is going on inside of me. I can lay in his arms, saying nothing, feeling overwhelmed and know it is still okay because there is someone who is more badass than myself taking care of it.

If you happen to read this, I love you BDH.

tkc

In the beginning....

In the beginning there was me with my plan. My plan was complete, and I tolerated no deviations from it. I was "on my way" up the corporate ladder, achieving my dreams one at a time, and did not need anyone to tell me how to live my life. My plan had a list with things to check off. One of the things that the plan listed was getting married. I envisioned a life of partnership with someone, where we would both support each other in achieving our goals, and function independently while working together to better our lives.

Then, I got married, and I hit a roadblock. Working together involves compromise, and my plan did not allow for compromise. So I became a domineering wife, who laid out the plan, and my poor husband found himself dragged along with it. Things did not go so well.

My Beloved Dom Hubby (BDH) is an exceptionally smart person. He tried for three years to put up with my bullshit and denied the part of himself that was meant to be the dominant head of our house. I guess he had enough, and through a course of events, I found myself entering into a D/s relationship. This is should be great for us as a couple, except for one thing, I am the lower case "s" in the relationship.

I had no idea how a D/s relationship worked, but I knew my marriage needed something desperately, so I made a promise to him I had avoided even in our wedding vows. After some researching and coaching from BDH, I promised to obey him, and asked him to accept my obedience. He did quite happily.

If being a good submissive wife means you can write out the definition of what one is, then I can't even spell submissive. I'm trying, and I succeed sometimes and fail others. BDH has done this before, and he knows what he is doing. He also loves me enough to put up with me when I try to wrap my mind around what obedience means exactly. He also reminds me what happens when I am not. Suffice to say, I find my fiercely independent behind now lovingly and fiercely spanked, as I am taught how to be a submissive wife. It is indeed an adventure with many misadventures for my Beloved Dom Hubby and myself.

tkc